What to do when you are taken for granted ?

What to do when you are taken for granted ?

From an early age, you were taught to respect others and show kindness, such as offering hospitality or watching over other people's children. However, sometimes in certain situations, people start to take advantage of your generosity and kindness and ask more of you than they should. This type of individual may ask you for favors repeatedly and make you feel obligated to respond favorably, without returning the favor and without showing you respect. When these boundaries are crossed, it can be difficult to back down and assert yourself. If you feel that some people take you for granted, it's time to protect yourself and set boundaries again.

1. Think about how you feel. It is important to recognize that you feel like you are being taken for granted. You will not be able to process or deal with your emotions until you admit that they exist. Research has shown that expressing and analyzing negative emotions has a significant positive impact on both mental and physical health. By suppressing your feelings, you will only make them worse in the long run.

•     There is a difference between acknowledging your feelings and dwelling on them. Focusing on negative emotions without analyzing them and without working to try to fix the situation can cause even greater discomfort.

2. You need to realize that you have the right to feel respected. You may be under social and cultural pressure to believe that it is rude to say "no" when you are asked to do something. You may also have been taught to believe that your work is less valuable than that of others and that you don't deserve recognition for it (this is especially true for women, especially in domestic settings). This can lead you to feel that you are taken for granted. Everyone has the right to be respected and appreciated. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated that way.

•     It is natural to feel angry or hurt and these feelings can easily get the better of you. Try to stay constructive rather than taking out your anger on other people.

3. Think about why you feel this way. If you want to deal with the feeling you have of being taken for granted, you need to ask yourself what causes this feeling. Write down a list of specific behaviors and events that cause you to feel unappreciated. You may then be able to pinpoint areas for improvement in the behavior of the person who takes you for granted. You may also be able to identify areas for improvement in your own communication style. For example, you may find that you have difficulty communicating your own limitations. You will need to work on this.

•     It has been shown that not feeling "valued" is a common cause of resignation. 81% of employees say they are more motivated to work when their bosses recognize the value of their work.
  

•     It has also been shown that people who feel alone are more likely to accept unfair treatment and let others take advantage of them. If you feel like you are being taken for granted, it may be because you are afraid that saying "no" will leave you alone.
  

•     Try not to assign intentions to the other person. Imagine, for example, that you feel you are taken for granted because you often offer to drive your colleague around, but he (or she) did not reciprocate when your car broke down. It would be a good idea to note, "Jennifer did not offer me a ride to work when my car broke down, despite the fact that I often offer her a ride." However, it would not help you to write, "Jennifer doesn't care about me because she didn't offer to drive me to work. Until you talk to Jennifer, you won't know how she really feels or what makes her act the way she does.

4. Identify what has changed in the relationship. If you feel like you are being taken for granted, it may be because you once felt valued by someone who now actually takes you for granted. It may also be because you know you should feel valued, but don't. Whatever the reason, identify what has changed in the relationship so you can begin to feel better. This can also help you find a solution to improve your relationship with this person.

•     Try to remember your first interaction with this person. What did this person do to make you feel appreciated? What was happening then that is not happening now? Have you changed in any way?
  

•     If you feel that you are not appreciated at work, it may be because you feel that you are not being rewarded for your efforts (e.g., you did not get a raise, your participation in a project was not recognized...) It may also be because you do not feel that you are sufficiently involved in decision making. Think about what has made you feel valued in your work in the past and try to understand what has changed.

5. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. When you feel some form of injustice in a relationship, whether it's a work relationship or a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You feel punished and disrespected, so why should you try to understand why the other person is treating you this way? Trying to understand how the other person feels can help you understand what is happening. It can also help you work with the other person to find a solution to your problem together.

•     In the absence of a personality disorder or other problem, people do not usually try to harm others.    Accusing someone of misbehaving, even if you feel your feelings are justified, may provoke anger and a non-productive response. Often, when people feel accused of something, they "snap".
  

•     Think about what the other person wants and needs. Has this changed? It has been shown that sometimes individuals use passive "distancing techniques," such as not returning a favor and not showing reciprocal affection or appreciation, when they are no longer interested in the relationship, but do not know how to let go.

6. Think about how you communicate. You are not responsible for other people's behaviour and should not feel guilty when someone is unkind or ungenerous to you. However, you can control your own actions. If you feel that you are being disrespected or ignored, you can change the other person's response by changing the way you communicate and act. The following are some attitudes and behaviors that may encourage the other person to treat you inappropriately.

•     You say "yes" to everything that is asked of you, even when the request is inappropriate or embarrassing.
  

•     You don't want to say "no" and you don't want to change the other person's level of expectation for fear that he or she won't like you anymore or for fear that you won't please them anymore.
  

•     You do not express your true feelings, thoughts or beliefs.
•     You express your opinions, needs or emotions in an overly apologetic or self-effacing way (e.g., "If it's not too much trouble, could you..." or "This is just my opinion, but...")
  

•     You think that other people's emotions, needs and thoughts are more important than your own.
  

•     You put yourself down in front of others (and often, yourself).
  

•     You think that the only way to be liked or loved is to do what people want you to do .

7. Recognize distorted thinking. In addition to having irrational beliefs, such as feeling like you always have to do what everyone else wants you to do, you may also perceive yourself in a distorted way. In order to fight back against being taken for granted, you also need to confront the illogical and distorted thoughts you have about yourself and others.

•     For example, you may think that you are responsible for what everyone else is feeling (this is a case of "fundamental attribution error"). This is often the cause of the feeling of being taken for granted: you are worried about hurting the other person's feelings by saying "no" and so you say "yes" to all their requests. However, you are not doing yourself or the other person any favors if you are not clear about your boundaries. 18] Saying "no" can be healthy and helpful.
  

•     Personalization" is another common misnomer. When you personalize, you become the cause of something that is not actually your fault. Imagine, for example, that your friend asks you to babysit his or her children so that he or she can go to a job interview, but you have to attend an important event that you can't reschedule. If you personalize this situation, you will feel like you are responsible for your friend's problem when you are not. If you say "yes" when you should have said "no," you may not get any satisfaction from it, because you have not respected your own needs.
  

•     Catastrophizing" occurs when you allow your vision of a situation to escape you to the point of imagining the most terrible scenario possible. For example, you may feel that you are taken for granted because you imagine that if you talk back to your boss, he will fire you and you will end up on the street, living in a box. This scenario is unlikely to happen!
  

•     Believing that you don't deserve anything better is a defeatist thought that can keep you stuck in this type of vicious cycle. By thinking that others will leave you if they don't like you, you risk keeping people in your life who don't contribute to your happiness or personal development.

8. Think about what you want. You know you don't want to be taken for granted. But what do you really want? It will be difficult to see your situation change if you feel a vague dissatisfaction, but have no idea how to improve the situation. Try to make a list of things you would like to see changed in your relationship. Once you know what your ideal interaction looks like, you'll be able to take action to achieve that ideal.

    For example, if you feel like you are taken for granted because your children only call you when they need money, think about how you would like those interactions to go. Would you want them to call you once a week? When they've had a bad day? Do you want to give them money every time they ask for it? Do you give them money because you're afraid they won't call you again if you stop doing it? You need to examine your boundaries so you can make them known.

9. Respect yourself. It is up to you to determine your boundaries and stick to them. You may feel devalued because you don't communicate your needs and feelings clearly, or it may be because you are communicating with a manipulative person. Unfortunately, some people will manipulate others at every opportunity to get what they want. 20] Whether the source of the other person's behaviour is ignorance or manipulation, do not assume that the situation will resolve itself. You must take action.

10. Question your interpretation of your interactions with others. If you feel like you're being taken for granted, it may be because you're jumping to conclusions about how interactions go. For example, you may think that the other person will be hurt or angry with you if you say "no." Or, perhaps you assume that because they forgot to do something for you, it means they don't care about your well-being. Try to slow down and look at each situation logically.

•     Example: You often give your partner gifts to express your love, but he (or she) does not give you a gift in return. You feel unappreciated because you make a direct connection between the love the other person feels for you and a particular action. However, it is possible that your partner loves you, without needing to show it to you through the specific actions you are looking for. 21] Talking with your partner can help clear up this misunderstanding.
  

•     You can also learn from how others have handled the demands of a particular person. For example, if you feel that your boss takes you for granted because he or she always gives you extra work for the weekend, discuss this with your co-workers. How have they reacted to this type of request? Have they ever experienced the negative repercussions you expect for yourself? It is possible that your work is piling up because you are the only person not assertive.

11. Learn to become more assertive. Communicating assertively doesn't mean you have to be arrogant or mean. It does mean that you need to express your needs, feelings and thoughts clearly. If others don't know what your needs and feelings are, they may take advantage of you, even without meaning to. It has been shown that you can express negative emotions without hurting the other person's feelings if you do so assertively and without aggression.

•     Communicate your needs in an open and honest way. Use sentences that begin with "I" (e.g., say "I want" or "I don't like").
  

•     Don't apologize too much or put yourself down. It is okay to say "no". You should not feel guilty for refusing a request that you feel you cannot fulfill.

12. Be comfortable with confrontation. Some people try to avoid conflict at all costs. It is possible that these individuals are simply afraid to displease. This may be due to culturally transmitted values (e.g., individuals with a collectivist culture may not perceive conflict avoidance as negative). When you want to avoid conflict to the point of cutting yourself off from your own needs and feelings, it becomes a problem.

•     By being open to your own needs, you may have to confront others, but this is not always negative. It has been shown that productively managed conflict can foster the development of skills such as compromise, negotiation and cooperation.
  

•     Practicing assertiveness can help you to better manage conflict. Confidence in communication has been shown to increase self-esteem.  By believing that your own emotions and needs are as important as those of others, you may be able to better handle a confrontation without becoming defensive or feeling the need to attack the other person.

13. Get help. It can be difficult to fight your tendency to feel powerless and guilty on your own. Once this tendency becomes established, it can be difficult to fight, especially if you have had a long history of dealing with someone who has authority over you and who has made you feel that you must obey, no matter what the situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. These behaviours are coping mechanisms, i.e., ways to protect yourself from harm and threat. The problem is that they are now maladaptive mechanisms that keep pushing you to make the same mistakes over and over. By fighting these mechanisms, you will feel happier and safer.

•     Some people may make the decision to deal with their problem alone, perhaps with the help of a good friend or mentor. Others find that seeing a therapist or counselor is beneficial. Do what feels most comfortable for you.

14. Start small. The ability to communicate about your needs and to be assertive does not usually come all at once. You may want to practice assertiveness in low-risk situations before you try to confront someone in authority or of importance (your boss or partner, for example).

•     For example, if a co-worker asks you to bring him coffee when you go to the cafeteria, but never offers you money, you might remind him of the cost of his coffee the next time you see him. You don't need to be insulting or aggressive. Simply say something friendly, but clear such as, "Would you rather give me change or do you want me to advance you and pay next time?"

15. Be direct. If you feel like you are being taken for granted, you need to speak up. However, don't just say, "You're taking me for granted. This type of attack and phrases beginning with "you" can cut off communication and make a situation worse. Instead, use simple, fact-based phrases to explain your discomfort.

•     Stay calm. You may feel resentful, angry or frustrated, but it is important to keep these emotions under control. You may have a lot of negative emotions inside you, but you need to focus on staying calm and letting the other person know that you are not unstable or aggressive, but that you are serious.
  

•     Continue to speak in the first person singular. It's easy to let yourself say things like, "You're making me miserable" or "You're an idiot," but this will put the other person on the defensive. Instead, continue to explain the impact his or her behavior is having on you and begin your sentences with things like, "I feel," "I want," "I will," or "This is how I'm going to act from now on."
  

•     If you are concerned that reinforcing your boundaries will make it seem like you don't want to help the other person, you can clarify the situation. For example, if a co-worker asks for your help, you can say something like, "I would normally love to help you with this project, but my son's show is tonight and I don't want to miss it. You can indicate that you are not indifferent to the other person's problem without always giving in to their requests.
  

•     Do not reward hostile or manipulative behaviour with positive consequences. Turning the other cheek" when someone disrespects you will only encourage them to continue in that direction. Instead, express why you are not satisfied with the behavior.